Many single people want to be in a relationship, but they fear losing too much freedom. At the same time, they’re afraid of choosing the wrong person! Here we take a look at what’s behind these fears, and think about how we can start to change our mindset and create a more healthy perspective. 

By our guest blogger, Jen Baker

Recently I was co-leading a seminar on Singleness and the Church and while there I touched on the idea that singleness changes within the decades of our lives (Read 4 Trends That Characterises Singleness In Our 20s, 30s, and 40s).

However, as a 47-year-old, never married single person, I believe there are two overriding fears which unhelpfully lead me and other singles at times when we say and think:

‘I’m afraid of losing my freedom’ and ‘I’m afraid of making the wrong choice’.

And let’s be honest, these fears aren’t limited to singles looking for a partner!  As a pastor, I’ve had numerous conversations with people who are engaged or married and find themselves still facing these fears.

I’m afraid of losing my freedom and I’m afraid of making the wrong choice

It’s quite normal in any type of relationship or in our singleness to struggle with these thoughts from time to time. But we need to know how our God can help us overcome them.

‘I’m Afraid of Losing My Freedom’

Firstly, we need to recognise that the truest form of freedom isn’t found in being alone or being with someone – it is found in a relationship with Jesus Christ. John 8:36 says ‘So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.’

Freedom isn’t found in being alone or being with someone

Therefore if you’re a Christian then positionally you are as free as you can possibly be – Christ died for your sins and so the punishment is no longer yours to bear … freedom!

And it is from that spiritual foundation of freedom that you can more easily outwork your natural expression of freedom within everyday life. This is including the area of trusting another person with your vulnerability and releasing your need to have everything done according to your preferences and timetable.

It’s in the everyday decisions where we often feel our freedom most restricted

Because at the end of the day, it’s in the everyday decisions where we often feel our freedom most restricted or stolen by another person.

So remember: Our relationship status is not the basis of our freedom or feeling free, it rests on Christ.

I’m Afraid of Making The Wrong Choice

Which then leads to the second fear – fear of making the wrong choice.  This could better be explored more fully in another blog, (Read ‘The One’ Myth Robs Us Of A Great Relationship) but let me say there is not one person for us and if we miss that person, we have missed it.

I’m not sure many people believe that anymore, but if you are worried about that, please don’t be!

Imagine if that were really true.  That would mean if just one person got it wrong and married the wrong person, then whoever that person was supposed to be married to is now marrying the wrong person, which will mess it up for someone else, and ….. you get the idea.

It’s ludicrous.

               We cannot mess up the universal system of relationships because we have chosen wrong!

We don’t have that much power. So remember: We cannot mess up the universal system of relationships because we have chosen wrong! Stop fearing your choice. (Read Why I Chose To Reject Finding ‘The One’).

Imagine If…

Imagine if we did not let fear dictate our singleness or relationship choices, but instead our all-loving all-powerful God showed us our situation through His lens.

  • Our relationship status is not the basis of our freedom or feeling free, it rests on Christ.
  • We cannot mess up the universal system of relationships because we have chosen wrong! Stop fearing your choice.

When we have these fears going around in our head let’s choose to look to God and remind ourselves of his goodness and his truth. 

How can you make sure you are seeing the situation through God’s lens. Comments welcomed below.  

Jen Baker is an itinerant speaker, author, and leader who loves seeing the Holy Spirit and the Word change atmospheres and impact hearts. She has been a Pastor, Director, and consultant working within the local church. www.jenbaker.co.uk.