There are lots of good resources and support, especially in the church, for newly married and engaged couples. A lot of effort goes into preparing them for marriage, and rightly so. But after a few years, as life gets busy and routine sets in, it can be harder to make time for the important chats. 2 questions can really help us make this simple and easier to do.
My wife and I have been married for a few years now, and we always joke about the fact that we sometimes assume the other person knows everything we do. So if one of us arranges a dinner, or someone tells one of us about a new job, we just assume the other person heard it too.
We do need to remind ourselves that this is not the case.
Busyness Of Life
In the busyness of life, it can be easy to forget to share the little things. When it comes to the big and important chats, it is even harder. This is why we need to be intentional about doing it. But it can be hard to carve out the time.
You live together so there will always be time tomorrow, right?
Making time for the deep conversation after a hard day at work, and due to other stresses, can seem hard. Besides, you live together so there will always be time tomorrow, right? Then before you know it, issues have festered and then come out in unhelpful ways.
So how can we make sure this important communication isn’t lost in the routine and stress? How do we make sure we are regularly communicating about things that are important, but hard to communicate?
I think there are two great questions that can be asked, which will make it simpler and easier.
2 Great Questions
The 2 questions to ask are:
- How did I make you feel loved?
- How did I not make you feel loved?
It sounds simple, but the best ideas often are.
Breaking The Assumptions
These two questions were something a friend was discussing with me recently. She said her and her husband use them and it helps break down their assumptions, and the answers are often surprising and unexpected.
She didn’t realise the impact it was having on him
For example, she asked what made him feel loved recently. He said he liked it when she would write notes in his lunch. She just did it without thinking, wondering if he ever even noticed. But he would be really touched by it.
When she said asked how she didn’t make him feel loved recently, he said ‘When you ask me to do something, please don’t ask again a few minutes later. I will do it, just maybe not straight away’. She didn’t realise the impact it was having on him.
Simple But Affective
These simple questions lead her to change and adjust. He changed in light of her answers too. This simple structure and method made it easier to be intentional about keeping the relationship strong.
This can help us deal with issues, deal with little things before they can become big things. (Read We Disagree, Can Our Relationship Survive?) You can ask these questions to each other really quickly, before bed, or in the car, once a week, or once a month. It can allow you to invest in the relationship in amongst the busyness of life.
How did I make you feel loved? How did I not make you feel loved?
Every couple falls into a routine and then without realising it makes assumptions about how the other person is thinking and feeling. Every couple does it from time to time.
The trick is, being able to find a way to press rest from time to time and communicate and strengthen the relationship. (Read What Makes A Happy Couple? Fresh Insight)
Imagine If…
Imagine if, we somehow reminded ourselves to ask each other these two questions once a week. It would make us feel closer and listened to, and we could address small issues before they became big ones. Find a way to remember to ask them.
How did I make you feel loved? How did I not make you feel loved?
Are there any questions you ask to help you intentionally invest in the relationship in the busyness of life? Comments welcomed below.
Originally posted 3/4/2017
