Monthly Archives

June 2017

2 Fears Every Single Person Should Confront!

Guest Blogs, Singleness

Many single people want to be in a relationship, but they fear losing too much freedom. At the same time, they’re afraid of choosing the wrong person! Here we take a look at what’s behind these fears, and think about how we can start to change our mindset and create a more healthy perspective.

By our guest blogger, Jen Baker

Recently I was co-leading a seminar on Singleness and the Church and while there I touched on the idea that singleness changes within the decades of our lives (Read 4 Trends That Characterises Singleness In Our 20s, 30s, and 40s).

However, as a 47-year-old, never married single person, I believe there are two overriding fears which unhelpfully lead me and other singles at times when we say and think:

‘I’m afraid of losing my freedom’ and ‘I’m afraid of making the wrong choice’.

And let’s be honest, these fears aren’t limited to singles looking for a partner! As a pastor, I’ve had numerous conversations with people who are engaged or married and find themselves still facing these fears.

I’m afraid of losing my freedom and I’m afraid of making the wrong choice

It’s quite normal in any type of relationship or in our singleness to struggle with these thoughts from time to time. But we need to know how our God can help us overcome them.

‘I’m Afraid of Losing My Freedom’

Firstly, we need to recognise that the truest form of freedom isn’t found in being alone or being with someone – it is found in a relationship with Jesus Christ. John 8:36 says ‘So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.’

Freedom isn’t found in being alone or being with someone

Therefore if you’re a Christian then positionally you are as free as you can possibly be – Christ died for your sins and so the punishment is no longer yours to bear … freedom!

And it is from that spiritual foundation of freedom that you can more easily outwork your natural expression of freedom within everyday life. This is including the area of trusting another person with your vulnerability and releasing your need to have everything done according to your preferences and timetable.

It’s in the everyday decisions where we often feel our freedom most restricted

Because at the end of the day, it’s in the everyday decisions where we often feel our freedom most restricted or stolen by another person.

So remember: Our relationship status is not the basis of our freedom or feeling free, it rests on Christ.

I’m Afraid of Making The Wrong Choice

Which then leads to the second fear – fear of making the wrong choice. This could better be explored more fully in another blog, (Read ‘The One’ Myth Robs Us Of A Great Relationship) but let me say there is not one person for us and if we miss that person, we have missed it.

I’m not sure many people believe that anymore, but if you are worried about that, please don’t be!

Imagine if that were really true. That would mean if just one person got it wrong and married the wrong person, then whoever that person was supposed to be married to is now marrying the wrong person, which will mess it up for someone else, and ….. you get the idea.

It’s ludicrous.

We cannot mess up the universal system of relationships because we have chosen wrong!

We don’t have that much power. So remember: We cannot mess up the universal system of relationships because we have chosen wrong! Stop fearing your choice. (Read Why I Chose To Reject Finding ‘The One’).

Imagine If…

Imagine if we did not let fear dictate our singleness or relationship choices, but instead our all-loving all-powerful God showed us our situation through His lens.

Our relationship status is not the basis of our freedom or feeling free, it rests on Christ.
We cannot mess up the universal system of relationships because we have chosen wrong! Stop fearing your choice.

When we have these fears going around in our head let’s choose to look to God and remind ourselves of his goodness and his truth.

How can you make sure you are seeing the situation through God’s lens. Comments welcomed below.

Originally posted 28/6/2017

Jen Baker is an itinerant speaker, author, and leader who loves seeing the Holy Spirit and the Word change atmospheres and impact hearts. She has been a Pastor, Director, and consultant working within the local church. www.jenbaker.co.uk.

4 Trends That Characterises Singleness In Our 20s, 30s, and 40s

Guest Blogs, Singleness

A single person in their 20s explores and wrestles with different questions to someone in their 40s. Sounds obvious right? But how often are single people all grouped together and treated the same in our churches? Too often! It’s important to not only discuss the issue of singleness but delve deeper into how our ages and stages affect our outlook.

By our guest authour, Jen Baker

At the (tender) age of 25, I wanted to write a book on being single because I thought I understood it well. At the (slightly more experienced) age of 47, I now realise I had much more to grasp.

What I’ve learned in those 22 years as a never-married single adult is that, as in much of life, seasons change and we can choose to change with them, choose to fight them, or more realistically … choose to do a bit of both.

We can begin to identify more specifically what to expect in our 20s versus our 40s

So by exploring not just the general topic of being single, but the age and stage of our lives, we can begin to identify more specifically what to expect in our 20s versus our 40s, for example.

So let me share my journey and observations as we explore the seasons together. Think about if you can identify with these observations, or perhaps you have further observations of your own?

The Twenties

In our twenties, I believe we tend to think ‘I want to enjoy myself and these single years … but not be the last one married’. We’re still trying to figure out who we are so the chance to date, explore different personalities, and hang out with a group of friends is what often characterises this age group.

Most people want to get married, but the pressure to get married isn’t particularly strong. Desire yes, but pressure – not so much.

I think this low-level pressure is key to setting this season apart from the other age groups.

The Thirties

In our thirties, FOMO (fear of missing out) is increased.

Once we reach our thirties there is a definite shift; it’s a mindset which says that it’s time to begin thinking more seriously about a relationship and about if we want children. In this season we think: ‘I need to get serious now, I hope it’s not too late.’

So our thirties is when we (often) journey from pressure to panic

Some friends are already married and started having children, our friendship groups have changed and (as women) we’re thinking more and more about the (blessed) clock.

So our thirties is when we (often) journey from pressure to panic. We may even start asking questions like: Is my list too long? Should I throw away the list?! Would I sacrifice a career for a relationship if it involved moving? Etc …

The Late Thirties

Quite possibly by the end of our thirties, we have also received labels (chosen or not): divorced, widowed, never dated, a broken off engagement, and much more.

If we’re single at this age with a desire for marriage, then we tend to do a bit more self-questioning and realise that potentially we need to look at relationships differently than we have in the past. We may need to grieve how things have turned out and re-adjust our expectations for the future.

The Forties

If navigating the thirties was particularly challenging, then I believe entering the forties can be surprisingly freeing.

We’ve navigated pressure to panic and – ideally – we now find ourselves landing on peace.

The key question asked now, in the forties, regardless of our relationship history is: ‘Am I willing to compromise my comfort zone for this relationship?’

By now we’ve got into a routine or landed in a pattern, which (unless a relationship change happened very late in your thirties) often has a tinge of comfort around the edges.

We aren’t willing to compromise in a way we might have when we were younger.

We know what we like, who we are, and what we want from our lives. Perhaps by now you’ve realised you can enjoy life as a single adult. There is a natural ‘rhythm’ to our work and social lives. And although we may deeply want to share that with another – we aren’t willing to compromise in a way we might have when we were younger.

It is at this age where children often enter the equation too, as we may have our own that we want to protect or we’re deciding if we want a relationship which leads to us becoming a step-parent.

These are deeply personal and difficult questions to explore which probably weren’t necessary to ask in your twenties, but it is the peace we find within yourself which helps us address these questions differently than we might have at an earlier stage. (Read 5 Cliches Said To Singles, Have You Heard Them All?)

Imagine If…

Our season of singleness will be affected by our season of life.

Imagine if we could remind ourselves and each other that knowing these questions ahead of time, and hearing that others have also raised these questions, could help us view singleness through different lenses and with a different approach. (Read What I Rediscovered From A Group Of Single People)

It will also help us clarify disappointments we’re facing, opening the way for healthier relationships in the future. (Read Jen’s other post: 2 Fears Every Single Person Should Confront!)

Do you have further observations of your own? Comments welcomed below

Originally posted 26/6/2017

Jen Baker is an itinerant speaker, author, and leader who loves seeing the Holy Spirit and the Word change atmospheres and impact hearts. She has been a Pastor, Director, and Consultant working within the local church. www.jenbaker.co.uk.

Why Does Everyone Tell Me Not To Date A Non-Christian? Part 2

Relationship Difficulties

In the second part of this 2 part post, we move on from the theory about dating a non-Christian to the real situations we face. We look at specifically helping those of us who are dating or wanting to date a non-Christian, think it through in light of their hopes for a good and God-centred romantic relationship.

In part one, we started to explore the question about whether we should date a non-Christian. (Read Part 1 here).

In part two, we start to think about it from the perspective of those of us who are in that situation and experiencing it now. How can the God we love guide us as we think about ‘Can I date a non-Christian?’

(The following extract is taken from page 185-187 of The Dating Dilemma book, read the introduction for free.)

If You’re Dating A Non-Christian . . .

Don’t just dump them right away because they’re not a Christian! So much damage is done in God’s name when we use him as an excuse for ending a relationship badly. (Read 6 Ways to Break-up Well: Part 1, No Ghosting or Breadcrumbing allowed!)

But also, be careful that you don’t latch on to any evidence that says it’s OK to stay in the relationship.

Someone else’s story is not yours

Some people do date a non-Christian who then becomes a Christian. It’s always wonderful to hear these stories, but what do they prove? Someone else’s story is not yours. We’ve seen (and experienced) relationships that have suffered from people not facing up to the facts.

On The Defensive?

We understand how hard the idea sounds that God might not want you to date the non-Christian you’re with. So it’s natural to feel defensive. Watch that you don’t withdraw from your Christian friends because they might challenge you about your relationship.

The bond of attachment between two people always becomes stronger when the relationship is under attack (perceived or real), so we always need to ask ourselves whether our desire to protect our relationship is giving us a false illusion of intimacy.

We’ve known couples whose relationships moved from the ‘getting to know each other’ stage to the ‘really serious’ stage overnight, because of the criticism they received from family or friends.

Space To Think

So if you are dating a non-Christian, give yourself some space to think through these areas:

Are you able to share with your girl/boyfriend what following Jesus means to you? How do you feel about how they respond?

Have you been defensive of your relationship? Why might this have happened? Who have you been defending this relationship from?

Can you pray for your girl/boyfriend? Are you able to pray with them? Why or why not?

Are you able to see this relationship clearly? Is there someone you trust, who loves you both, who could help you do this?

Is this relationship healthy in God’s eyes? Who could you ask to help you explore this?

Are you still growing in your relationship with Jesus?

How might dating someone who doesn’t share your focus on God’s plan for your life and relationships help or hinder your ability to serve him?

Would you be willing to end this relationship if you felt that this wasn’t the right one for you?

Following Jesus means putting him first in your heart, so how will your boy/girlfriend who isn’t doing this feel about it?

You Can Choose

We saw a Facebook status from a young woman that said, ‘If a guy isn’t chasing God’s heart, then I don’t want him chasing mine.’

It might be easier to say than do, but it demonstrates a clear focus for her life – and focus brings freedom. Knowing her ‘yes’ is to God’s plan for her life will help her to know what and who else to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to.

You need to be prepared for the cost that comes with staying in this kind of relationship or saying no to one

In the end, the decision of whether we date a non-Christian is about realising that we need to be wise with the decisions God allows us to make.

You need to be prepared for the cost that comes with staying in this kind of relationship or saying no to one, but you can also be reassured that God is more than able to meet all of your needs. Our God keeps his promises.

He knows that our loneliness or longing for love can feel so pressing, especially when there aren’t many (or any) available Christians on the scene to date. But immersing ourselves in him is the only way to make sure that this fear doesn’t dictate our decisions.

Word To The Church

We need to wake up to the heartache experienced by many Christian singles who would love to meet someone but cannot find many people of their age in their churches. Let’s meet their radical commitment to Christ by increasing our support of them.

We need to be more understanding, place less emphasis on exalting ‘couples’ and ‘activities for families and couples’, and realise that, if we encourage Christians to date other Christians, we need to attract more twenty- and thirty-somethings into the church. (Obviously, the priority of evangelism is people coming to know Jesus, not getting hitched, but if it happens, it happens!)

(Read the introduction of The Dating Dilemma book for free now, or buy the book here.)

Imagine If…

Imagine if, no matter what we decide, we learn to run towards God

I don’t know what you’re thinking as you read this, or what God is saying. I won’t pretend to. But I want you to think less right and wrong, and think about what kind of relationship you want, and who is best suited for building a relationship with. (Read If a relationship doesn’t change me, then it’s not a relationship.)

Imagine if, no matter what we decide, we learn to run towards God, and ask him to be a bigger part of our relationships. What can we do today, to make sure we bring him into our relationships more?

Do you think that dating a non-Christian is easier, harder or the same as dating a Christian? Comments welcomed below.

Originally posted 21/6/2017

Why Does Everyone Tell Me Not To Date A Non-Christian? Part 1

Relationship Difficulties

This question is often asked by Christians. ‘I like someone, they don’t go to church, but what’s the harm?’ In part 1 of this post, we can explore what dating a non-Christian may mean for us. In Part 2, we can explore it in a much deeper and sensitive way for people who are thinking of, or already dating, a non-Christian.

‘Can I date a non-Christian?’

Let’s be honest, it’s something lots of Christian ask, or at least want to ask. The problem is, when they do, it often raises more heat than light.

Some people say ‘Why not, flirt to convert’, others say ‘No way, don’t do it’, others think ‘It’s fine, it won’t affect your faith’.

What About Me?

We feel bad sometimes and feel the conflict, but we want the relationship to work

Unfortunately, this is often answered or thought about in a theoretical way only. But what about those of us who are dating a non-Christian? People are telling us it’s fine while others say it’s a bad idea.

We feel bad sometimes and feel the conflict, but we want the relationship to work.

The first of this two-part post begins to look at this issue in a theoretical way, to lay the groundwork and make some important points. Part 2 takes a deeper look, in an honest and sensitive way, for those of us who may be dating a non-Christian because theory is important, but not enough on its own.

It will hopefully help us to think about our faith and our relationship more clearly.

(The following extract is taken from page 183-184 of The Dating Dilemma book, read the introduction for free.)

‘Can I go out with a non-Christian?’

If you’ve ever asked this question and got the categorical answer ‘No’, then you might well be feeling a bit hurt or defensive about this issue. After all, no-one would dream of saying you shouldn’t have friends or family members who aren’t Christians. That would be ludicrous!

Dating a Christian (sadly) doesn’t ensure that the relationship is going to honour God

For starters, dating a Christian (sadly) doesn’t ensure that the relationship is going to honour God, and dating a non-Christian doesn’t automatically mean that you are going to walk away from Jesus. But although it might not be a matter of being right or wrong, it is a matter of being wise.

Deep Values

The wisest way to date is to find someone who shares your core values and vision.

You might love different music, debate mercilessly about which movie to watch, and never really understand why they love the outdoors so much, but when it comes to the essentials of identity (being God’s child) and destiny (living for him), you need to be on the same page.

The reality is that even the most supportive non-Christian boy/girlfriend will have their life moulded by something other than Christ. This doesn’t make them a bad person, but it might make them the wrong person for you to date. (Read One Big Reason Why Dating Feels Overwhelming)

Although I love being single right now, one day I would like to get married. But there’s no way I’m compromising my adventure with Jesus just to be married. (Jo)

Shifting Values

There’s always the potential that someone who isn’t putting God first in their life might accidentally, or purposefully, encourage you not to put God first in yours.

This is why Paul encourages the Corinthian Christians to be wise about who they allow themselves to be teamed up with: ‘Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war’ (2 Corinthians 6:14–18 The Message).

This tension isn’t unique to dating a non-Christian; it could refer to anything in life that encourages divided loyalties [like a bad business relationship, some friendships, etc] But the message is the same: be wise in who you allow to have influence over you.

If it came to the battle between two sets of values, whose would win out?

We understand that you may be falling for someone who is not a Christian; it happens. It may even look like you can still be with them and serve God. But if it came to the battle between two sets of values, whose would win out?

Of course, dating Christians can present us with distractions if we allow our love for them to take the place of our love for God. Doing Christian stuff (like going to church together) isn’t the same as urging each other on in our love for God. We need to approach with caution anything that could split our focus.

(Read the introduction of The Dating Dilemma book for free now, or buy the book here.)

The Big Question

So is dating a non-Christian wise? This is an important question, but it’s more important to ask: is dating anyone we like wise? Dating a Christian doesn’t mean your relationship will automatically honour God. It’s about more than what box we tick on the form for the religion question. (Read 3 Simple Rules For Building A Healthy Dating Church Culture.)

No matter who you’re dating, what are your values? What are your priorities? Ultimately, do you think that person could help us grow and strengthen what we believe, no matter what their faith is?

While dating a Christian probably makes this question easier to answer, Part 2 explores what questions and things we should think about if we are dating, or want to date, a non-Christian. This will be done sensitively and honestly because many find themselves in this situation and think it’s okay, but they still want help and support and know how to honour God as they date.

Imagine If…

No matter what our situation is, no matter who we’re in a relationship with, no matter what their faith is, imagine if we allowed God to transform our relationship as we pursue his plan and purposes.

Why is this question so important? Comments welcomed below

Originally posted 19/6/2017

Today’s Big Question: Is Flirting Really Harmless Fun?

Church Dating Culture, Relationship Difficulties

Some people say that they’re a flirt, they just can’t help it. They flirt with everyone, but it’s just harmless fun so it doesn’t matter right? Flirting with someone you like is one thing, but giving the wrong impression to others often leads to people getting led on and hurt. There are phrases we use to ‘justify’ flirting, that should make us stop and think twice.

The word ‘flirting’ often fills people with dread or excitement. Either way, when you’re single and looking for someone, it’s something you will probably have to do at some point.

Talking to someone you like and engaging in conversation is important and something many people need some tips and advice on (Read 5 Rules To Follow When Talking To Someone You Like). But this post is about something different.

Some people flirt with anyone because they think it’s just a bit of fun and they enjoy it. But is it really harmless?

Why Do You Keep Flirting?

I have a friend who liked this girl. She used to always joke around with him, would be very ‘touchy-feely’ with him, tell him things she said she wasn’t telling anyone else. They were obviously flirting.

But when he asked her out she would always say no, and say they were just friends. But then she would keep flirting, being ‘touchy-feely’, and so on.

He was being led on and was very hurt

He kept thinking that this must mean she did actually like him, but she kept saying they were just friends. He was being led on and was very hurt by the situation even years after it happened.

Why Do You Still Keep Doing It?

I have another friend who liked this guy, and they started to get to know each other and flirt a bit. People noticed something was going on. She eventually asked him out, he said no because he saw her as a friend. She said fine and was getting over it.

But he kept on flirting and acting like it was okay to do that.

In his mind it was just fun, he was a flirty person, and even though she made it clear she liked him and he couldn’t keep acting like that as it was hurting her, he justified it by saying it’s harmless.

He was having fun, so why think about the other person?

The principle of loving your neighbour is being overlooked when it comes to flirting for some reason

So What Now?

Some people will read this and think people need to lighten up and not overthink things. ‘I’m just naturally flirty and I like to flirt.’

But for me, as a Christian, the starting point for my actions isn’t ‘Am I happy and having fun?’, but rather ‘How is it affecting others?’. The principle of loving your neighbour is being overlooked when it comes to flirting for some reason.

If someone says they think you’re flirting and they like you but you don’t want a relationship, and afterwards you change your behaviour and watch what you say and how you act with them, fair enough. Crossed wires can happen sometimes.

However, I think there is one phrase or idea, that if we use as an excuse to justify flirting, even when people say it’s upsetting them, it may mean we’re being a bit selfish in this area.

It Just Fun, It’s Their Fault

Like in the stories above, I’ve heard many people say that essentially it’s ‘their’ fault. Or something like ‘If I flirt and they think there’s something there, it’s their fault. I said there isn’t.’

If it has been made clear someone likes you, they thought you liked them back but you said no. Or it’s been pointed out that you often give people signals you like them when really you don’t, this can cause people to feel led on. Go through unnecessary rejection, and feel hurt.

If your response is then it’s ‘their’ fault, then all this is communicating is ‘I don’t care about you and your feelings. I don’t care that you’re getting hurt, or confused, it’s fun for me’.

It reduces people to something that fulfils our selfish needs

Crossed wires can happen, people can mistake being friendly with flirting. Let’s agree that’s true. But in specific situations where people feel hurt or lots of people say you lead others on, the loving-our-neighbour response is not to say ‘I’m going to keep acting the same way cause I’m having fun’.

It’s not ‘their’ fault, and it reduces people to something that fulfils our selfish needs.

Imagine If…

Imagine if we stopped justifying flirting that can lead to hurting people and where we only think about ourselves. Dating is hard enough as it is without people leading others on even more and being unkind. (Read One Big Reason Why Dating Feels Overwhelming.)

Think about how you or your friends interact with others, and think about whether or not crossed wires are occurring. Then think about what you can stop doing that will reduce some of the potential pain and hurt. (Read I Want To Trust Them, But I’ve Been Hurt Before.)

Do you think flirting can ever be harmless fun? Comments welcomed below.

Originally posted 14/6/2017