All relationships go through highs and lows. But what if you have doubts and fears, how do you know if they are just temporary or a reason to end it? Sadly, some relationships end, and for good reasons. But some can end for the wrong reasons. Thinking about how to avoid these bad reasons is important as we navigate our way through dating.
So you went on some dates, then on some more dates, and decided you really liked each other. You had the DTR (determine the relationship) chat, and became official. Social media profiles were updated accordingly. Plain sailing now, right?
Well, maybe not.
Maybe a few weeks or months have passed since then, and you’re wondering if it’s what you were looking for. Some doubts have crept in, some fears are growing, but you still really like them. So which feelings are the right ones to listen to?
So which feelings are the right ones to listen to?
Should you listen to the doubts and end it? You aren’t sure anymore and you just can’t shake these thoughts. But this might be normal right? As you settle into the relationship and get more serious, these thoughts and questions naturally arise, but they do pass as well?
I actually think it’s normal for people to do some soul searching after starting a new relationship.
Asking the serious questions, making sure the relationship isn’t drifting so someone doesn’t get hurt, is actually very wise and helpful. Deciding if you’re both going to invest more and more is important. The challenge is deciding if your negative thoughts and feelings are temporary or a signal that the relationship won’t work.
Now, if I had a simple five-step plan that would give everyone the answer for this tricky situation, then that would be great, but sadly I don’t. If you’re thinking about your relationship and thinking about what to do, I can at least try and help you avoid ending it for the wrong reasons.
The challenge is deciding if your negative thoughts and feelings are temporary
In a culture that places so much emphasis on finding romance, and being the perfect couple, as well as thinking the ‘newer’ the relationship the better, I think it can lead to some unhelpful/bad reasons for thinking about breaking up.
We can fall into the trap of thinking that:
- The Grass is Greener
- The Relationship Should Be Totally Fulfilling Me
- I Don’t Get An Intense Romantic Rush Now
- I Need To Figure It Out On My Own
The Grass Is Greener
The idea that gets told to us a lot in music, culture, and films, is that that new thing/product/relationship will sort out all my problems. Why work at something when we can upgrade?
And when it comes to romance, the focus is all about the rush of finding someone rather than in maintaining a relationship through the ups and downs and mundane bits. It’s easy for people to think that other girl or that guy will be better.
It’s easy to focus on someone’s best bits, to be drawn to the new and exciting possibility. The skill is in navigating and building a relationship that will last, that can give us the safety and security we really crave.
Breaking up because the possibility of something better isn’t a good or healthy reason to end it. (Read What Does Faithfulness Look Like When I’m Dating?)
The Relationship Should Be Totally Fulfilling Me
‘Be in a relationship otherwise you’re missing out!’ That’s the message that we hear constantly.
Romance is held up as the meaning of life in many parts of our culture. It’s meant to be the thing that saves us from all of our problems. So when we realise the person we date is not totally fulfilling us, some people think it’s time to end it.
In all honesty, this perspective will never lead to a long-term, healthy, and enjoyable relationship. No one person can be the source of all of our happiness and confidence.
If we are thinking of breaking up for this reason, it will not solve the problem, but just transfer it to another relationship. We need to learn to have a full life to share with someone, instead of expecting someone to sort it all out. (Read Are You Making The Relationship Mistake That Causes Less Happiness?)
I Don’t Get An Intense Romantic Rush Now
Relationships evolve over time. The rush you get when you like someone, when they first say yes, and when you start to discover a whole bunch of things about them, is great fun. It leads to intense feelings and a romantic rush.
The intensity often reduces over time, but that doesn’t mean the relationship will become boring or stale. The relationship and love will express itself differently. Growing in love is adapting to new stages.
In films there are always intense scenes where the future couple first set eyes on each other, and they eventually get together, then the film ends before we see the intensity fade. So we don’t see what happens next. Feelings are important in a relationship, but they can’t be the only thing that guides us because they change so much. (Read How ‘Decisions’ Along With ‘Love’ Can Create Healthy Relationships.)
I Need To Figure It Out On My Own
Independence, self-reliance, and doing what makes you happy. This may be something you believe in and live your life by, but in a relationship there are two people and two hearts involved.
Learning to talk about the relationship with each other, learning to communicate what you expect and what you are both thinking is crucial. Trust and security comes out of good communication. (Read Dating Someone? Commitment Assumptions Can Cause Cracks.)
Learning to talk about everything is key
Deciding to end it without chatting about it, or more importantly, not learning to communicate as you build a relationship together, isn’t a good reason to end it. They may be feeling the same, but they may have another take on it. Learning to talk about everything is key.
Relationships involve highs and lows, and there are some that will sadly end.
What we can do is learn about how to find ones we think will last, and learn to navigate the lows so that we can enjoy the highs, and keep them strong and enjoyable.
Imagine if we avoided unhelpful reasons, and we focused on helpful wisdom, that can help us build the relationships that will last, and make us feel safe and secure. We must learn how to avoid using the reasons: The Grass is Greener, The Relationship Should Be Totally Fulfilling Me, I Don’t Get An Intense Romantic Rush Now, and I Need To Figure It Out On My Own.
Are there any other bad reasons you have heard of? Comments welcomed below.