No one can outline a simple, one size fits all approach to dating. We all have different dating histories, hopes, personalities, baggage and unique stories. I always try to give principles over rules that we can then apply to our own contexts. I was recently confronted with a story that reminded me why this is so important. 

So there I was, lights in my eyes, sitting on stage, bracing myself for the questions, wondering why I had agreed to be on a Q&A panel.

It’s not that I don’t like them per se. I really do think it’s important people get to ask questions and learn by chatting together, rather than just being preached at. But you just never know what the others on the panel are going to say, and vice versa.

Often people have such different points of view, that trying to delve deep into a subject with a 30-second answer, then getting someone else saying something that sounds totally contradictory, can leave everyone more confused.

I’m always a bit wary and worried about what may happen.

Surprising Question  

Nevertheless, my fellow panelist and I were getting into the swing of it. I had answered a few questions so thought it’s best to sit the next one out. I don’t think people just want to hear from one person, and it’s important to respect other members of the panel and let everyone answer.

Why would you start a relationship by not spending time together?

The next question came in: ‘After you agree to start dating someone, should you not see each other for a week or so in the beginning?’

Now, this really confused me. Why would you start a relationship by not spending time together? I found the question quite odd and it seemed counterintuitive.

Surprising Answer

Yet my fellow panelist proceeded to say that this is what he did. He and his then girlfriend, now his wife, spent two weeks apart at the start of their relationship.

I thought, ‘What?!’

He made it clear that they became a couple and then didn’t really talk for two weeks. Instead, they went away, thought about it, prayed about it, clarified their intentions and expectations.

To me, this sounded odd and very different to what I would suggest. If you’re at the point where you want to start a relationship, then start that relationship. It seems strange to put it on hold.  However, having thought about it, I realised that really, it’s a principle I always talk about that’s just being applied a bit differently.

Not one model

I always say being active is important. We can’t just drift. (Read Stories From The Dating Scene: An Exciting Start, Then We Drifted.) We need to be intentional and think about the relationship decision we’re making.

I say that being intentional, thinking it through and praying, is all part of being active. And all of this should come before you go out, then you make the active decision to commit to each other and to the relationship. However, my fellow panelist and his girlfriend simply did it in a different order.

They applied the principle in a way that worked for their situation

They said they liked each other and started going out, then decided to go and pray individually, think it through, get some perspective, etc. He didn’t go into why he did it this way round, but different doesn’t mean wrong, because there is no one-size-fits-all model.

What clearly came across is that in his mind, he didn’t want to hurt her. He wanted her to be as sure as she could about the relationship, and he wanted to seriously think about how he was going to approach it. How he was going to make it Christ-centered

They applied the principle in a way that worked for their situation.

Different Reasons

Because of how we’ve been hurt in the past, because of our personalities and imperfection, a principle applied in a certain way by one person, will look different for another person.

Application in our individual contexts will vary. Perfect seven step plans do not work.

It reminded me again, why having the conversation is so important. Having a rigid system, that everyone needs to follow, doesn’t work. Even though leaving people with absolutely no guidance is just as bad, so discussing the application is key.

Which is why I did actually really enjoy doing this Q and A in the end. (Read One Great Dating Tip From Ruth and Boaz. Really?)

Imagine If…

Imagine if we realised people want help, they want guidance, but we are all different too. Application in our individual contexts will vary. Perfect seven step plans do not work.

We need to get away from the ‘rigid system’, and help each other not only discover good principles instead of bad ones, but also, how we can apply them in a way to make our relationship thrive in our situation. (Read Who Else Wants Great Relationships? Why Dating Well Still Matters)

Do you think principles are better than a ‘seven-step plan’? Comments welcomed below. 

Originally posted 7/5/2018

Dating can be exciting, fun, scary, and confusing. This is partly because the dating culture is always changing. But the way people find someone to commit to and build a romantic relationship has changed for each generation, knowing how to adapt and thrive is vital. Which is why avoiding instant gratification and avoiding minimal effort is needed. 

The way people find romantic partners has changed over the last few decades, and it’s still changing.

For example, a few decades ago people had to meet face to face. They had to learn how to make small talk and go up to a guy or girl and start talking. The younger guys probably had to also drive over to her parents’ house and meet her parents and pick her up.

If you go back even further, to the time of courtship, there would have been chaperones joining the couple on their romantic meetings. These couples would have only started to meet up after their parents had agreed to it.

Romance Never Changes

8 out of 10 millennials still think true romance is important

However, despite the changes in our culture, people’s need for romance has not changed. Some research suggests that 8 out of 10 millennials still think true romance is important. And most teenagers and 20-25 year-olds still want to get married.

In other words, dating may be changing, but people still want to find a romantic relationship. They date in order to find someone and fall in love. Even if love has had a digital revamp!

Technology 

We could talk forever about the many different influences on the dating culture and their effects, but technology has been a big factor.

The digital age means we now have access to millions of people all over the world because of the internet and social media. This means we can connect with more like-minded people, even though this can also be overwhelming (Read One Big Reason Why Dating Feels Overwhelming).

But it also means people don’t need to make initial contact face to face. Dating apps and websites mean you meet online, start chatting online, and then maybe meet up later on.

Just like when we order stuff online, or want to check something out, we can just take out our phones or tablets and instantly get what we want with minimal effort.

This has negatively affected the way we date.

Instant Gratification

We are now used to getting what we want instantly. Technology, phones, and gadgets mean we can get things instantly that 50 years ago people had to wait hours or days for. Emails have replaced slow letters. Microwaves have replaced slower oven cooking. Bank transfers have replaced slow cheques.

One strategy to navigate dating is to remember relationships take time

When it comes to dating, people can have the same expectation. They can think that dating is meant to quickly lead to love and a strong relationship. But that takes time. No amount of technology can speed up the process of building a relationship. Ask anyone who had been married or dated for years, and they will tell you it builds up slowly over time, not on day one.

One strategy to navigate dating is to remember that relationships take time. Technology may be able to get us a date quickly and help us find articles and tips on how to date. But building a relationship is never instant.

In order to thrive, we need to remember that it takes time.

Minimal Effort

Not only is technology making things quicker, but it also makes things easier.

We no longer need to leave the house to get our shopping. We no longer need to go to the library to get information. We no longer need to plan as much, an app will bring a taxi to us or show us where to go with minimal thought from us.

We can end up approaching relationships in the same way too. Thinking that minimal effort will bring what we want. But while dating is meant to be fun, it’s hard work, and two imperfect people need to be intentional, compromise, and build something together.

Relationships take work and minimal effort will lead to people getting hurt

Our strategy has to remind us of this: relationships take work, and minimal effort will lead to people getting hurt and cause the relationship to be weak. That approach will ultimately not fulfil our desires.

New Phase 

A date can now be a chat over skype, or a 30-minute chat in a coffee shop (I wouldn’t suggest this though, Read What Should We Do On A First Date?). It looks very different to 20, even 10 years ago.

Dating is changing and seems to be more fluid. The boundaries seem more blurred than ever sometimes and people don’t always like to label a relationship.

But in order to thrive in this environment, we need to be prepared to be intentional. To think about who we are and the kind of person we want to commit to. Our best strategy would be remembering that building a strong and stable relationship takes time and work. Technology can never change that.

Anything in life worth having takes work, romance is no exception.

Imagine If…

Imagine if we embraced the changing world of dating in a way that didn’t lead us towards unrealistic expectations. If we used the benefits of things like technology but remembered it takes work and time to build the relationship we truly want.

Anything in life worth having takes work, romance is no exception. (Read The 3 Best Ways To Prepare For A Date)

What strategies have you heard that have helped you? Comments welcome below. 

Originally posted 16/4/2018