Part 2 of this article continues to unpack the importance of friendships. This relationship is often unintentionally undervalued until it’s too late. Yet it’s so important to everyone’s wellbeing. There are 3 things I think we can do to value them more: Deep Talks, Fixing Over Fading, and Quality Time.

In Part 1, we began to highlight some of the unique dynamics of friendship compared to other relationships. Namely, that they are there to be enjoyed. We pick friends based on our mutual enjoyment, shared interests, and the like. 

But this can mean we walk away when it gets tough. 

The unspoken view that we pick people we like to become our friends, whose company we enjoy, is valid and necessary. But unless we learn to add to this perspective, our friendships will be easily broken. 

New Perspective

I realise we all have different personalities, different amounts of time to spare and socialise in different ways. However, I would say there are three things that can help us raise the importance of friendship in our lives.

None of these suggestions are necessarily new, but they are easily forgotten and they can help us to change the perspective that tells us friendships are just easy, and when it gets hard we just need to break it off.

We need to remember: 

• Deep Talks 
• Fixing Over Fading 
• Quality Time 

Deep Talks 

Sometimes we want to meet up with friends and just talk about surface level stuff that doesn’t matter because we have no headspace for anything else. But doing this all the time can stop us from creating those stronger bonds. 

Now obviously, some people are more guarded than others, while some people find it easy to share their deeper thoughts and fears. But this is important to do because without trust and vulnerability, friendship or any relationship, won’t grow strong. 

This stuff is hard. It isn’t easy. Thankfully it’s not something we need to do with everyone we meet or all the time. However, forcing ourselves to talk about this stuff will bring us closer to people, and make us better at supporting each other when things in our lives get tough.  

Fixing Over Fading

Due to the hidden assumptions that friendships are meant to be fun and enjoyable if something happens and we end up arguing, then we are tempted to just walk away rather then work it out. 

All relationships have their ups and downs because people are messy

I think we need to at least try to fix it. We need to try and reconcile instead of just letting the friendships fade. This isn’t easy, and we may need some help in order to do this (Read I Want To Trust Them, But I’ve Been Hurt Before). 

The truth is, good and long-lasting friendships aren’t easy to come by. All relationships have their ups and downs because people are messy. We need to try and fix it when it’s broken, otherwise, we may miss out on many more enjoyable years of friendship. 

Quality Time

Everyone nowadays is busy. We all have lots of things to do and not enough time to do it all. Often meeting with friends, making time to travel to see old friends, or prioritising hanging out gets harder and harder. 

That is why it’s important to make the time we spend with friends count. We need to not just try and make some more time to see each other, but do different things and new fun things together. Research shows this can make the relationship stronger (Read Revealed: The Best Way To Build Better Friendships, In Half The Time?!) 

Imagine If…

Imagine if we agreed that friendships are meant to be fun. However, we also realise, like with all relationships, that they do require hard work sometimes as well. 

By forcing ourselves to have those deep conversations, fixing the hard issues and fallouts, and spending quality time together, we can make sure our friendships are strong and not easily broken. 

What else would you do to make friendships stronger? Comments welcomed below. 

Originally posted 4/2/2019

In many ways, friendship should be the easiest relationship to maintain. We can choose our friends, we choose who we like and who we spend time with. However, many people (as they get older) find it awkward to make new friends, or just lose touch. So why are friendships so easily broken? Part 1 of this blog begins to think about this important issue. 

Friendship is one of those things that should be easy to define, but it’s actually harder than we might think. What are the expectations? What are the boundaries? Does it change from person to person? 

I guess the idea I’ve been thinking about for a while is the underlying assumption that friendships should be easy. This idea is true in many ways, but untrue in other ways too.

Friendships Are Easy (?)

We hang out with friends because we enjoy being with them. If it gets awkward or hard, we can stop contact, unlike with family or work colleagues. 

If we get a job offer and move city or country, we aren’t ‘betraying’ our friends if we go. Yes, we can ask their opinion, but we don’t make the decision with our friends in the same way we would with our spouse, for example.

There is a different level of commitment and expectation in a friendship compared to other relationships. It’s primarily based on enjoying each other’s company. 

A Unique Trait

But what about when it isn’t easy anymore?

Should we stick it out when it gets hard? Or when we get a ‘better offer’ and move to a different place, should we just leave friends behind? Or as we get older, do we just need fewer friends somehow? 

In a recent talk at church, someone was speaking about our relationship with Jesus, and specifically on John Chapter 15. They shared this quote from a guy called N.T. Wright: 

‘The vine-dresser is never closer to the vine, taking more thought over its long-term health and productivity, than when he has the knife in his hand’.

The idea that God will challenge us, ask us to sacrifice, and change us through processes which may be hard work, is easy to understand (maybe harder to live out and accept though).  

Thankfully that isn’t the only trait our loving and gracious God shows, but the idea that a relationship will be hard at points is clear and accepted. 

This is true in marriage too. The overall experience should be fun, enjoyable, and mutually fulfilling, but we accept there will be hard times, and we can’t just walk away when we get challenged. 

But what about friendships? 

We don’t have as many people as we used to have, or want to have, around us

Easily Lost 

I think this question is vital because so many people, me included, move cities and/or get caught up in the busyness of life. Then before we know it we don’t feel as close as we once did to our old mates. 

Or we end up in a hard situation and realise we don’t have as many people as we used to have, or want to have, around us that we can ask for help. 

Friendships are different from other relationships, and rightly so. We get to pick friends, unlike family, and we can choose to see friends, unlike work colleagues. But unlike romantic relationships, which we do also pick, friendships have a different type of commitment and dynamic.  

When Easy Gets Hard

I think friendships are easily broken because they are seen as ‘easy’ and just there to enjoy. This means the work needed to maintain it is often not prioritised or appreciated.  (Read 2 Things You Should Always Do To Build Strong Communities)

Deep down we may not want this to be the case

After all, friendship is there to energise us. Obviously, our friends may go through tough times and we support them through it at personal cost, but overall there’s a goal of mutual enjoyment. 

So when it gets too hard, or we get too busy, or we get a better offer (like a job in a new city) we feel like we can drop the friendship. Easily make new friends. And walk away. 

Deep down we may not want this to be the case. Yet it can be. And there are people who really struggle to make (new) friends for various reasons.

So how can we view this relationship differently to avoid breaking a friendship unintentionally or too easily? 

Imagine If…

In Part 2, we keep exploring how we can change our perspective to make our friendships stronger. For now, imagine if we realised how important friendships are before it’s too late. (Read How To Tell If Our Relationships Are Thriving)

Friendships are different from other relationships that are often seen as more important. Nevertheless, friendships are vital if we want to thrive and feel fulfilled.

How would you define friendship? Comments welcomed below. 

Originally posted 28/1/2019

We’re encouraged to build community a lot, particularly in churches. Loads of people have opinions on what this means and how we can best do this. But a recent conversation with a friend who recently planted a church reduced it down to 2 bits of advice, which I think are both wise and easy to apply.

If you read any of my other posts, on this site or on other sites, it won’t take you long to realise that I think strong relationships with friends, colleagues, family, and the community, are vital if we want to feel safe, secure, and fulfilled.

I think in a culture which focuses on the individual and self-sufficiency, we can undervalue and ignore interdependence. We can then feel the negative effects due to a lack of community and be worse off as a result.

‘Community’, More Than A Buzz Word

I was speaking to a friend the other day who is involved in a new church plant with some of his friends and family. They’re really excited about it and have wanted to do it for a while.

It’s interesting talking to him about what he wants to prioritise, what the vision is, and how they feel God has spoken to them. But I find it fascinating that they are essentially involved in building a community out of nothing. And trying to gather people and get them to buy in and get excited about this new community.

He really wants to create and foster an authentic community

Community isn’t just a word my friend wants to just throw around. He really wants to create and foster an authentic community. (Read Family’ Is Redefined In Light Of The Cross)

He said he feels that in order to do this it’s important to make people feel like they are wanted and needed. If people feel wanted and needed, they will feel part of the community and want to stick around.

Feeling Needed

It sounds so obvious, so simple, yet it’s easy to forget.

Take church as a case study, we can often be so keen to get people to feel needed that we get them to sign up to help out on different rotas. We can forget to make the individual feel wanted when this happens.

I remember walking into a church once and was instantly handed a form that asked which teams I was going to be part of, I hadn’t even spoken to more than two people at that point!

Now, helping out is part of being invested in a community. We can’t just be consumers. We need to have a role, to feel like we are adding value. I believe part of discipleship is getting stuck in and serving and helping the community.

However, if it happens too fast or on its own, we can feel like we’re being used, and not really wanted.

Feeling Wanted

I remember when my wife and I were looking for a new church. We ended up visiting a lot, and I must admit I don’t like not being part of a church and needing to find a new one.

Anyway, we went to several over a few months. Some we went to once, some we went back to two or three times. The ones we went back to were the ones that welcomed us and made us feel wanted. We felt welcomed in.

They didn’t just say hi, but really took the time to talk

The church I’m involved with now has one of the most genuine cultures of welcome I have ever experienced anywhere. In our first few visits or so, multiple people came up and spoke to us, asked us how we were doing, and chatted for a long time.

They didn’t just say hi, but really took the time to talk.

Moreover, there were also opportunities to serve too, and get involved. I have been in communities where you feel wanted, but you don’t feel like you can add value, or help out, you don’t feel needed. Then I slip into consumer mode and start to complain.

Feeling wanted and needed are so important. (Read How To Tell If Our Relationships Are Thriving)

2 Key Principles

I think this is true in most relationships too, isn’t it? When we think about friendships, romantic relationships, other communities we’re part of, we want to feel wanted. We want to know we matter to someone, and they want to feel the same.

We also want to feel needed. People like to help each other out, feel like they are adding value and making a positive impact on one another.

We can forget to do this, or make it all more complicated than it needs to be

Imagine If…

Imagine if we remember that we can be part of fostering communities and relationships that thrive. It isn’t always easy, but we can make a difference to individuals and communities by making sure other people feel wanted and needed.

It’s so simple, but in the busyness of life and other things that happen, we can forget to do this, or make it all more complicated than it needs to be. So let’s try to strip it back and let these 2 bits of advice guide and help us in our relationships, churches, and communities. (Read Revealed: The Best Way To Build Better Friendships, In Half The Time?!)

How have communities made you feel both wanted and needed? Comments welcomed below

Originally posted 1/10/2018