After having some conversations with friends, I came away feeling a bit upset. Then I was worried about if I had done the same thing to others recently! It’s such an easy mistake to make, but the impact can be huge. We all know it, but often forget it because we want to be heard; we need to remember to stop and listen, and not just talk and share our thoughts. 

So I was catching up with a friend the other week and I was really excited to share some news with him.

Now we’ve all been there. We have something exciting to share and want to tell others so that they can get excited too and support us, just like we support them when it’s the other way round.

So I told my friend this news, but sadly, he reacted differently to how I thought he would. He decided to explain why he would never make the same decision as me, in great detail.

We need people to really hear what we are saying and make us feel valued

I’m not exaggerating when I say for the next hour and 20 minutes he gave me a speech (no interruptions allowed). Then said as a throwaway line ‘If you want to do it though, then that’s fine, but…’. It was quite upsetting for me.

We’ve All Been There 

We’ve all had this happen to us haven’t we? Where we feel like we haven’t been listened to and come away from a conversation feeling rubbish.

I totally believe that sometimes we need to be challenged. We need people close to us to tell us like it is, we do not just want them to always agree. But we need to be listened to as well. We need people to really hear what we are saying and make us feel valued.

I remember arranging to meet up with another person who I had just started to get to know. I thought it would be good to hang out together. However, when we did meet up, they just spoke about themselves the whole time.

A genuine, relationship-building conversation involves two people really listening and allowing each other to express themselves. When it’s just all about them, you leave feeling rubbish. (Assuming of course, there isn’t a crisis that they need to talk about in-depth).

We’ve All Done It

But then I started to worry about the times I had done that, or got carried away myself. Taking over all of the space and conversation and not really stopping to listen.

I think I can end up doing it, especially when I’m tired or it has been a long day. I find it much harder to listen. To be fully present. I felt bad about the times when I recently forgot to really hear what others were saying and made other people feel like they weren’t listened to.

The relationship is weakened when we make it about ‘me’ rather than ‘us’

We can all make mistakes can’t we? And get it wrong. But when we forget to really take in what our friend, or our other half, or the other person is saying, the relationship is weakened when we make it about ‘me’ rather than ‘us’. (Read How To Tell If Our Relationships Are Thriving)

Just Stop

I remember ages and ages ago during a talk, someone saying: ‘The next time you are talking to someone, just stop talking, and really listen. Because people have a lot to say, and they need to be heard.’

This has always stuck with me. Especially in a society that tells us that to be worth something we need to be the centre of attention, need to be the ‘most unique person’ that everyone is talking about. But investing in the relationship is what will answer our deepest need, rather than just focusing on ourselves. (Read Revealed: The Best Way To Build Better Friendships, In Half The Time?!)

Valuing the other person and what they have to say

All of this stuff you probably know already. You’ve probably heard it before. But it’s so easy to forget, to just want to talk, to get carried away.

Imagine If…

Imagine if we remember this simple but powerful idea. That we don’t just sit there in silence during a ‘conversation’ waiting to talk again. But intentionally listened and really took on board what people were saying. That they went away feeling listened too. When we forget this simple trick, it makes our relationships weaker.

For some people, this will be hard, for others it will be harder, but loving people and building relationships starts by valuing the other person and what they have to say.

How will you remind yourself to practice this simple piece of advice? Comments welcomed. 

Originally posted 20/8/2018

In a society where loneliness is on the rise and technology can sometimes hinder authentic human interaction, the importance of friendships needs to be shouted about more. But how do you improve friendships, or build one, in a way that doesn’t feel forced in amongst the busyness of life? Well this great tip should help us as we pursue real and worthwhile friendships.  

Do you ever have one of those eureka moments?

Where you pause and think that is genius and yet so simple?

Those times when you think you kind of knew that already, but could never put it into words?

Well, one of these moments happened to me when I was chatting with a friend recently. We were talking about work. He asked me how Naked Truth Relationships was going, and then I asked him about this relatively new job.

He was talking about how he is trying to make the team more social. Like getting them to go out somewhere as a group away from the office; e.g. going out for drinks after work sometimes, or going for a walk, or playing sports together, etc.

Context Over Time 

He’s always been good at doing things like this and trying to foster relationships. But he was emphasising the need for different contexts. I was intrigued, so asked him why this was important.

He said he remembered reading this theory which stated that if you want to build a friendship, you do need to spend time together, but that isn’t enough. You also need to hang out in different contexts as well.

In a new environment, the strength of your relationships doubles

According to this theory, just by spending time with someone in a new environment, the strength of your relationships doubles. So while spending time with someone increases the strength of your relationship, experiencing a different context together multiplies it.

Therefore, spending time with people at work and then going out for drinks all the time, isn’t as beneficial as spending time together at work, going out for drinks, doing team-building exercises together, sharing a meal in each other’s homes, playing sports together, etc.

Applying Simplicity  

It’s strange because this is something we probably realise already. Our close friends are people we see in lots of different contexts, not just in one place. We already know it’s true, but probably wouldn’t have said that or explained it like that before now. (Read What A Fishing Proverb Taught Me About Relationships)

This is why, for example, just going out on dinner dates isn’t a good way to get to know someone. Doing something like a dance class, going on a hike, visiting a museum, spending time with each other’s friends, means we truly get to know someone.

Just spending more time after the service together feels a bit forced

Another example is taken from church. Lots of churches now (like many have always done) emphasise community. The need to build relationships and be family. To build authentic friendships. (Read I Wouldn’t Have Survived Without My Church Family)

Yet we live busy lives and we feel like just spending more time after the service together feels a bit forced and a bit awkward.

But we can follow this new theory. We can arrange a social at the church, or arrange to meet up outside the church, do an activity, go visit somewhere else, spend time with each other’s families, in each other’s homes. Just by changing the context, we experience a different bit of each other.

Imagine If…

Obviously, this isn’t foolproof. There will still be people we will not fully ‘click with’ because of different personalities or whatever. And obviously, the more time you spend with a friend the closer you become. But carving out time is hard sometimes.

Friendships are so important but often forgotten

Imagine if we weren’t put off from investing in people because of time pressure, but rather put the effort into trying new things or activities in order to gain shared experiences and see each other in a new light.

Friendships are so important but often forgotten. This theory from my friend revealed how we can all build better friendships and a real community. (Read How To Tell If Our Relationships Are Thriving)

What is the best advice you’ve ever heard for building friendships? Comments welcomed below.

Originally posted 16/7/2018

I’m sure I’m not the only one who goes through those weeks where your close friends rub you up the wrong way. They manage to hit on all your insecurities and make you feel really bad. So what do you do, talk to them? Ignore it? Remember we all make mistakes? Different people say different things, but actually, all of this can help.

I know I’m not the only one who has experienced all the stresses piling up at the same time to create a few weeks we would rather forget.

You know those times, when there are a thousand things to do at work and commitments at church and with friends need juggling. Then a delightful bill from the garage to fix your car arrives to go with the bill to fix a problem in your house.

Fun, fun, fun.

It seems to be during these times everything else seems a bit harder, and takes more time and effort. This is when you need a bit of support from your friends, but sadly, it doesn’t seem to happen.

2 Sides To Every Story

What I’m about to share isn’t from my ‘high horse’ or from a place where I think I’m perfect. I know I have let friends down and make mistakes. I also know there are two sides to every story, and you’re only hearing my side.

But I do want to share these stories. Not so I can rant, but to be real about the fact that we get hurt. Friends can say and do things that seem ‘little’ and not worth making a fuss about, but can actually cause a lot of hurt.

We need to be honest about it and think about how we can choose to respond.

‘Really? That’s Not Good’ 

This first occasion happened at church recently. There was a social action project happening which I couldn’t do because I injured my back, and because I spent hours in the kitchen washing up after the church’s community lunch, which took ages.

I went to church again later on for the evening, and the first thing someone said to me was ‘Did you help at the social action project?’ I said ‘No I wasn’t there’. Then they said ‘Really? That’s not good’ and walked off.

I was so annoyed

They were kind of half joking half not, and I was so annoyed. They didn’t say ‘Why couldn’t you make it?’, or ‘Are you OK?’. They simply judged and assumed I wasn’t there because I’m not a ‘good Christian’.

I was really hurt by it, and it played on my mind for a big part of the evening service.

Did You Hear This?

Later that week something else happened. Now, let me say that I’m all up for banter, and ‘taking the mickey’ with friends. We shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously and we all do silly things. But when our friends are essentially making fun of us, and then talk about us as if we aren’t there, that really hurts.

It always hurts more when close friends go a bit too far

This happened a few times with the same group of friends. You know the difference between someone including you in the joke, and someone making you the joke. When they’re saying to each other ‘Did you hear this?’, and are essentially pointing and laughing.

It always hurts more when close friends go a bit too far, and manage to intentionally or accidentally, make a joke about a big insecurity.

Sadly, we can probably all relate to (similar) incidents like these ones.

Response? 

Sometimes you think it’s so minor, if you bring it up or make a big deal out of it it will make you look petty. But words can be really hurtful, and it can breed negative feelings in us.

So what can we do?

Firstly, I want to say you aren’t the only one. When these things happen and you feel like it’s a big deal even though it was just one word that was said, it matters, and it’s not OK.

This stuff matters, because these are the type of things that can cause us to withdraw. To think that we are alone. Or that our friend isn’t as good a friend as we thought. Here are some things we need to remember to make sure this stuff doesn’t weaken our relationships.

• A Bad Moment Doesn’t Define The Relationship
• Remember The Positives
• Sometimes An Awkward Talk Is Needed

A Bad Moment Doesn’t Define The Relationship

A bad moment or bad joke doesn’t define the relationship. This is hard when in the moment we feel angry, but we need to hold on to the fact that a moment doesn’t mean everything is tainted.

This is hard to do, but remembering why you’re friends in the first place, putting this incident into context and remembering they may be going through a bad time or may have a different sense of humour or way of communicating, is important.

Otherwise, the negative feelings may just keep growing.

Remember The Positives

Following on from this first point, something that has really helped me recently is remembering the positives about my friends when I’m annoyed by them. And not letting my mind just wonder to the negatives.

So I remember that although they have a cutting sense of humour, they are very generous. Or even though they say things in a bad way sometimes, they are always ready to meet up and listen when I have a problem.

Love is choice at the end of the day

Love is choice at the end of the day. We may feel bitter, but we can choose to remember they’re a good friend and no one is perfect. We can choose to rebuild the friendship and forgive. (Read The Four Words Spoken By Jesus You Need To Hear)

Sometimes An Awkward Talk Is Needed

However, sometimes, we do need to talk about it. Especially if it really hurt us, or it’s a pattern and something that keeps happening.

Awkward chats aren’t fun. But sometimes a friendship needs a frank conversation. Otherwise, things will keep weakening the relationship. We can’t just say it’s not a big deal when it is. (Read How Successful Relationship Avoid Letting Anger Win)

Imagine If…

I used a mixture of these responses with my friends and in my recent situations. I know I’ve made mistakes and had to apologise to friends for things I have said and done, and will no doubt need to do it many more times. But when it happens to me, I can choose how I respond.

Imagine if we remember one bad choice can’t define everything, that people are a mix of good and bad and we can choose to focus on the positive, and sometimes we need to have awkward conversations. (Read How To Tell If Our Relationships Are Thriving)

What else can you do to respond positively? Comments welcomed below. 

Originally posted 28/5/2018