Anyone can get carried away when they like someone. They can start to think that the person they like is ‘perfect’, and place them on a pedestal. These real stories remind us why this trap can lead to dating disappointment, and why putting people on pedestals can only lead to us falling off them. 

(The following extract is taken from page 123-125 of The Dating Dilemma book, read the introduction for free.)

Strange as it might sound, falling for someone can be a big let-down.

Have you ever seen someone who has stopped you dead in your tracks and found yourself fantasizing about what they’re like? Unsurprisingly, in your head everything is perfect. But equally unsurprisingly, when you get to know them, they can’t measure up to this perfection.

Ben’s Story

Ben fell for a gorgeous girl he’d never spoken to, but from what he could see, she was the funniest, prettiest and cleverest woman he had ever (nearly) met. He dreamed about meeting her and how she would laugh at his jokes, share his interests and be an amazing kisser. Then he got to know her. When he discovered that she was a regular girl with her own sense of humour and interests, he ended it.

Charley’s Story

Charley fell for a gorgeous worship leader. She planned their wedding day and fantasized about their ministry together and the way he would sing lullabies to their children every night. One day, after the service, she plucked up enough courage to go and introduce herself.

She discovered he was a regular guy who was struggling in his faith

They started dating. But when she discovered he was a regular guy who was struggling in his faith as much as she was, she ended it.

Unchecked fantasies, or an inability to see a relationship clearly, can have painful consequences. These stories are extreme (and, sadly, true), but we’re all in danger of doing this sort of thing from time to time.

Pedestals 

Pedestals are only good for falling off

We see it happening in the Christian world, where our desire to find the right person plus our strong attraction to someone (especially with the intensity of everyone at church predicting marriage!) means we can end up putting them on a pedestal. And who can blame us? It’s a powerful mix!

But pedestals are only good for falling off, so when ‘God’s perfect partner’ lets us down, we can feel confused at best and devastated at worst.

We need to come back down to earth. It’s time to stop chasing that unattainable guy or girl who will never live up to our expectations (and doesn’t exist!). How do we do that? What does God want us to look for? Let’s turn that question on its head. What does someone looking for a relationship hope to find in us? What would God want them to find?

HE Makes Us Worthy Of Love

Developing clear thinking around dating is a two-way process: we need to see ourselves for who we truly are, as well as understand who we should date (or avoid!). None of us is perfect. The great news is that happiness in relationships isn’t dependent on people being perfect!

Dating someone who likes us when we are being truly ourselves, and who we like when they are being truly themselves, is not only helpful, but godly. God doesn’t ignore the reality of our flaws, but, in loving us as we are, he makes us worthy of love.

If God sees the real us and still loves us and accepts us as we are, let’s not fall into the trap of being someone else when we’re in a relationship. Being real requires vulnerability, which can feel scary. So it matters that you learn to be real with someone who is willing to do the same.

Holly And Luke 

Holly and Luke fell passionately in love with each other, but as they had both just come out of intense relationships and were about to head off to different universities, they wondered if this was God’s way of asking them not to date.

On the surface they were happy with that, except they couldn’t stop thinking about each other! So they decided to limit the amount of time they spent together, but instead of lessening their feelings, it intensified them.

Holly had put Luke on a pedestal, and regularly told friends that she would never find a man as perfect as him. Luke couldn’t go for a moment without thinking about Holly. He was eaten up with jealousy at the thought of her having a good time, just as much as he was being eaten up with longing for her.

Eventually, some good friends suggested that maybe they should stop obsessing about each other and go out on a few dates, to see if they were as perfect for each other as they hoped. So they did.

When we like someone, we will naturally start to build a picture in our mind of what they’re like

To begin with, it was difficult. Luke wasn’t as tuned into Holly’s emotional world as she had thought he would be. And Holly had views on things that Luke found surprising. In their own way, they both felt disappointed. But when they got real and chose to accept each other for who they truly were, they began to build a good relationship. (Read How ‘Decisions’ Along With ‘Love’ Can Create Healthy Relationships.)

(Read the introduction of The Dating Dilemma book for free now, or buy the book here.)

Imagine If…

When we like someone, we will naturally start to build a picture in our mind of what they’re like and what the potential relationship will look like. The trick is to not stay in that fantasy for too long.

Imagine if we started to talk to them, asked them out as soon as possible. That way we can get to know the real them and they get to know the real us before we put them on a pedestal and get hurt when we fall off it. (Read 5 Rules To Follow When Talking To Someone You Like)

Do you think some churches put pressure on us to find the ‘perfect’ person? Comments welcomed below.

Originally posted 9/10/2017

After spending the weekend painting and decorating a room in my house, and giving a talk on relationships to young people, I decided to draw out a (slightly tenuous) link between the two. Namely, you don’t need to be perfect or look perfect, for either of them to work. Sounds simple right? Well, maybe… 

This week, my wife and I, along with some wider family members decorated a room in our house. Now as someone who isn’t practical and does more harm than good in the decorating department, the thought of it beforehand worried me slightly.

Turns out I was right to be nervous. We managed to screw through a pipe that then sprayed water around the newly painted room, carpets were lost and delayed by the carpet fitters, and we damaged quite a bit of furniture too.

Not the smoothest of operations.

However, the room is now done, and it looks great. There are some bits that aren’t finished to the highest of standards and some mismatched furniture, but it is really good.

Dating Talk 

In amongst this DIY dilemmas, I did a talk at a local church on dating dilemmas (see what I did there). It was a group of young people who had lots of questions about sex and relationships, singleness, and dating.

I shared a bit of my own story, about how I became a Christian and my own journey about relationships and dating.

Knowing that I didn’t have to be perfect had a massive impact

One of the things I said to them which really seemed to stand out was about when I became a Christian. I said that hearing about a God, who saw all my flaws, knows all of my insecurities and said he still loved and accepted me and would stick around, changed everything,

Knowing that I didn’t have to be perfect had a massive impact.

Perfection Myth 

Perfect people don’t exist. Perfect couples don’t exist

This is something I also learned about dating. So often in my dating history, and in our society which values looks and ‘being happy’ all the time, we can believe that we need to be perfect before we can find romance.

Perfect people don’t exist. Perfect couples don’t exist.

I always say dating is about letting someone see the real you, and vice versa, and deciding if you want to commit to each other long term. We need to see each other’s flaws and gifts and decide whether we want to build something together.

Painting and Dating 

So this is the part where a (cheesy) similarity can be drawn out. But I will resist the temptation to say anything too obvious.

I could say that like decorating a room, there will be setbacks like damaging furniture and water damage, but in the end, it will look great. But that would be cheesy, so I won’t say that.

I could say that like decorating a room, it takes hard work but you can do it, even if you don’t have all the skills, you can make it look great. But that would definitely by cheesy, so I won’t say that.

The point I want to draw out is that dating is like decorating a room because you don’t look perfect while doing it. It won’t look perfect in the end, and accepting that can free us to build something that looks amazing.

Not Looking Perfect 

When you decorate, you wear old clothes, get dirt all over your hands and paint on your face.

We all have bits about ourselves we wish we could change

When the room is finished, not every bit is perfect. There are some parts that look a bit rushed and there are some marks you got on the furniture as you were moving it.

I think this is the takeaway point. Dating is not about finding someone who is perfect. Dating is not about pretending to be perfect because deep down, we all have bits about ourselves we wish we could change.

Dating is about creating a space to be real and honest. Knowing people for who they are. When we make it about something else, then we’re building a relationship on unstable foundations. If we are aiming for mutual enjoyment and fulfillment, then we need to be authentic.

If You Are Dating 

So if you’re in a new, or long term dating relationship, find ways to connect more this week. To have the time and space to share values, goals, and fears. Ask each other about these things and revisit the assumptions. So that you can begin to build that even more enjoyable and authentic relationship. (Read The One’ Myth Robs Us Of A Great Relationship)

If you’re single, remember that finding someone isn’t about being perfect. Learning to date well, getting over some of the fear and worries, isn’t about trying to be perfect. (Read What Should We Do On A First Date?)

Imagine If…

Imagine if dating was less about trying to impress someone else, and was more about creating space to get to know each other and build something together. Imagine the time and hurt we could avoid.

Decorating is never perfect. I want you to remember that no one is perfect, no couple is perfect, and the only way to build relationships worth having is by creating that time and space to be honest. It builds trust, enjoyment and something worth having.

Do you think there is a difference between being honest and ‘making a good first impression’? Comments welcomed below. 

Originally posted 8/5/2017