After a few months and/or years of dating someone, there will be a point where it feels hard or different from what you expected. So how do you sit down with each other and have the awkward conversation to make sure you’re still on the same page? That you’re still committed to the relationship? These 4 steps should help make it feel less overwhelming and awkward.
There’s more attention given to the ‘DTR chat’ nowadays. And rightly so. The Determine/Define The Relationship talk is important. It lets you know when you move from getting to know someone, to the ‘official’ relationship stage. (Read I Wasn’t Sure When We Were An ‘Official Couple’)
A friend once told me he brought up the subject by saying to the person he was seeing ‘So can we update the relationship status on social media then?’. She said yes, so he must have done something right.
But the conversation I’m referring to in this blog is different. It occurs way after the DTR chat, when you have been going out for months or years, and the ‘initial hype’ has worn off a bit, and you are thinking more long-term and with bigger commitments in mind.
How do you know if you are still on the same page?
Awkward
This talk can seem awkward. Mainly because by this point you have invested a lot, you care deeply for the other person, and the outcome will have a huge impact either way.
This chat is about deciding if you both do indeed want to commit
However, there is a point where things may not have gone exactly as you hoped or expected. There may be a relationship dynamic you want to address. Or you may just feel like the connection has weakened recently.
This chat is about deciding if you both do indeed want to commit to staying together. If it’s worth that bigger commitment and keep dating long-term. So where do you start?
4 Tips
While this can seem daunting, you may be a bit apprehensive or feel awkward, especially if you feel like they seem less invested, it still needs to be done. No matter what the outcome, communication is key.
I always say these 4 tips can help us have this discussion:
#1 Find The Right Space
#2 Expectation Management
#3 Friendship Investment
#4 Mutual Effort
#1 Find The Right Space
You will be amazed at how many couples try to have a deep and meaningful conversation in the worst space, and at the wrong time.
They may do it in a coffee shop, which is constantly busy and distracting with people sitting nearby. Or over the phone or video call, which can cut out and is never as good as sitting in front of each other. Or by spontaneously bringing up the conversation, which can feel like an ambush for the other person.
Find the right physical space, and the right space in your day.
So don’t do it when one or both of you is going to be tired or stressed. Pick a time that works for both of you. Go somewhere which isn’t filled with distractions and chat face to face.
#2 Expectation Management
Many people can have a ‘fairytale’ version of romance in their heads. But real relationships take hard work, are never perfect, and will never live up to the fairytale.
So it may be a case of discussing what your expectations were, and what they should be now.
Obviously, there are things we can all expect in a relationship. Like not to being hit, being listened to, having mutual respect (Read Quick Guide: Discover What All Good Dating Relationship Have In Common).
But there are other things that may need a rethink. Is this the person we wanted? Are we the person they wanted? Are our lives heading in the same direction?
The answer is probably not a pure yes or a pure no. But it will help you get back on the same page again, and deciding together what your next step is. (Read Settling Vs Compromise: Spot the Signs in Your Relationship)
#3 Friendship Investment
All good romantic relationships are based on a good friendship.
You should enjoy each other’s company, you should share deeper values, you should be able to trust each other, have fun and relax.
It may be worth discussing if this aspect had been unintentionally ignored. It’s worth making sure you are setting aside time to do fun things together.
#4 Mutual Effort
Relationships will only thrive if there is mutual respect, mutual enjoyment, and selflessness on both sides.
Make sure you are both clear about what should happen next
If only one of you wants to change the situation and make the relationship work going forwards, it won’t work. You need to discuss if you are both prepared to commit a bit more. You need to make it clear that this will require effort, and not just lip service.
Asking each other if you think it’s worth it, and how you feel about each other, is awkward but needed to make sure you are both clear about what should happen next.
Imagine If…
Good communication doesn’t take the fun out of the relationship, it gets us on the same page and lets us navigate the lows and get to the highs quicker, and for longer.
Instead of drifting, or hoping that things may change, we need to be intentional about where our relationship is heading. Imagine if we followed these tips: #1 Find The Right Space: #2 Expectation Management #3 Friendship Investment #4 Mutual Effort. (Read The 2 Year Ultimatum: Good Advice Or Dating Disaster?)
Do you think it is easy to drift in a relationship? Comments welcomed below.
Originally posted 1/4/2019
