Many singles who are wanting to date, or have arranged to meet someone soon, always ask me what they should do on a first date. In this second of my two-part article, I will explore some of the best ways to make a first date thrive. This mainly comes down to activity, an additional date, and a connection.  

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In my last post, I looked at some types of first dates which can hinder us. No cinema, no coffee, and no cutlery were the big don’ts I suggested. It’s worth remembering because these dates can create pressure and unhelpful environments. (Click here to read Part 1).

If the aim of dating is to get to know someone and begin to see if you enjoy each others company, then we want to create dates that allow us to do that.

In this post, we can look at the more exciting dos. Some of this advice is from personal experience, some comes from chatting to others, and some is from researchers and psychologists who have analysed the ‘art’ of first dates. So if you’re preparing for a first date, this will help you thrive and not just survive it.

It’s About Activity, An Additional Date, and A Connection

In most situations, it’s best to try and date in a way that involves:

• An Activity
• An Additional Date
• A Connection

Activity is Better

This is the best bit of advice I can give anyone who wants a successful first date because doing an activity together makes it less awkward, and you’re more likely to be yourself and see the real them.

You will both naturally be more relaxed and authentic.

The activity could be going to a dance lesson together, a cocktail making class, bowling, or a fun high ropes course. It could be something less expensive like looking around an interactive science museum, an ancient castle or going to a funfair.  (Other suggestions are welcomed in the comments below in the comments).

The reason for doing an activity is three-fold. Firstly, if you’re looking around a museum or doing a high ropes course, there is no need to constantly talk. You’re allowed to focus on other things and not have the pressure to keep talking and keep impressing each other all the time. You will both naturally be more relaxed and authentic.

Sitting down and chatting over a meal results in less chance of an attraction or relationship forming.

Secondly, when someone isn’t sitting down over a romantic candle-lit dinner, but instead remembering the dance teacher’s instructions, or learning about an ancient building, it’s harder to put on a front. When people aren’t just talking but being active, the real personality comes out. So you’re more likely to see the real them, and them the real you.

Thirdly statistical analysis of first dates shows that people are more likely to create an emotional bond, and therefore like each other if they do something together. Sitting down and chatting over a meal results in less chance of an attraction and a relationship forming.

All this means if your first date is an activity, you’re more likely to be relaxed and feel less pressure. You’ll probably both enjoy it more see what they’re really like, and vice versa.

Do an activity so that:

• You can be more relaxed and not feel the need to constantly talk
• It’s harder to put on a front, so your real personalities come out
• You’re statistically more likely to create a relationship

Go On Two Dates

So are we talking about the first date or the second one? Well, actually, it’s kind of one date really.

People frequently say to me something along the lines of ‘The date was okay, but there was no spark’. Well on average, it takes people about six hours to really know if they’re attracted to someone romantically. Love at first sight is very rare (and probably a myth).

If you go out on a first date with someone, and it was awful and you know for sure you’re not suited, that’s fair enough.

However, if you go out on a date and think, they’re nice, the date was quite good, but there was no ‘spark’, go out on another one. A date usually lasts about two or three hours, so two dates are needed to know for sure if there really is a ‘spark’ or not.

A Connection Is More Important Than a Checklist

I believe dating should be enjoyable. I don’t believe this means we can use people, lead people on, or just think about ‘my selfish needs’. But dating is meant to be enjoyable.

No one knows the future, but you can know if you are growing closer or not.

Often people are constantly thinking on a first date about the ‘long term’ or ‘marriage’ criteria. A mental check of the checklist happens in their head. This creates pressure, judgment and ultimately can stop you getting to know someone for who they are.

On a first date, and the next few dates, the aim is about getting to know someone. Do you like each others company? As you get to know them more, is there a connection which means you could build a relationship worth having together? No one knows the future, but you can know if you are growing closer or not.

So many potential relationships end because of the mental checklist. It’s right to think about the kind of person we want to date and the kind of person we want to marry. But we can’t know everything about someone after one or two dates.

The First Date

Do remember to enjoy getting to know the person in front of you. Do enjoy trying to see if you connect and want to move forward together. (Read I Wasn’t Sure When We Were An ‘Official Couple’). Don’t add unnecessary pressure too early on.

Do an activity, do an additional date, and do remember to enjoy getting to know the person in front of you. This advice probably has exceptions and isn’t fool-proof, but it will help you to relax and enjoy rather than dread the first date.

If you have ever followed this or similar advice for a first date, did you find it useful?

Originally posted 2/11/2016

Many singles who are wanting to date, or have arranged to meet someone soon, always ask me what they should do on a first date. In this two-part article, I will unpack the main dos and don’ts for first dates. These don’ts remind us to avoid the cinema, coffee and cutlery.

(Sign up for our free digital download: Date, Marry, Avoid? 5 Things You Should Know) 

I constantly hear stories about people’s first dates. I remember a guy telling me that they went to watch a film, then afterwards just got up and went home. Yes, that’s right, they forgot they were on a date and left her in the cinema! And yes, that’s right, there wasn’t a second date.

One of my first dates involved meeting up with a group of friends who were playing matchmakers. We were all just hanging out at one of their houses and I thought this would be great, but we very quickly became the couple ‘on show’. Our friends staring and listening in to see if we would hit it off, and yes, it was very awkward and no second date materialised. Surprise Surprise.

There is so much pressure in our dating culture to make a quick decisions about liking someone. Especially in church

But lots of people who are dating ask me what they should actually do on a first date, and how should they actually get to know someone despite the pressure and nervousness.

This is a very important and relevant question. There is so much pressure in our dating culture to make a quick decision about liking someone. Especially in church, where a second date probably signals marriage to every onlooker, who shouldn’t be adding that pressure anyway! (Read I Wasn’t Sure When We Were An ‘Official Couple’)

I believe learning to enjoy the first date as much as possible, and creating a situation where they can see the real you and vice versa, is key

I believe learning to enjoy the first date as much as possible, and creating a situation where they can see the real you and vice versa, is key. So here are the three main don’ts I have picked up along the way to help you get there. The dos are in Part 2.

No Cinema, No Coffee, No Cutlery 

In most situations, I would say it’s best to avoid:

• Cinema dates
• Coffee dates
• Cutlery dates (going out for a meal only)

The Cinema is a No-Go

Advising not to go to the cinema probably goes against one of the traditional dating ‘safe’ options. I mean, most people like films and we all know what to expect, so it should be easy and safe. However, online movies have changed our love of going to the cinema, and more importantly, staring at a screen for two hours isn’t the best way to get to know someone.

Most people’s analysis of a film lasts for five minutes at best

I often hear people say that seeing a film will give you something to talk about. Well, unless you’re both film geeks (and not many of us are) most people’s analysis of a film lasts for five minutes at best. They say if they liked it or not, pick out a favourite scene, and that’s it. You can’t even spend hours explaining the plot line either because you’ve both just been watching it.

Once you get to know each other, and know what films you both like and get excited by, then cinema dates are fine. But as a first date, watching something for two hours that gives a few minutes worth of conversation, is not time well spent. You haven’t talked, and you will still need to do something else to really get to know each other.

Coffee Dates Aren’t Great

Grabbing a coffee seems natural in our ‘coffee connoisseur’ culture. From the outside, a coffee date looks like it would take the pressure off too. We do it a lot anyway, it’s simple, and it’s not expensive or a big deal. But it more often creates a very pressured and unhelpful environment.

Coffee shops are full of people coming and going and busy staff. Which makes the atmosphere seem agitated. Moreover, you may have someone sitting on their own next to you in hearing distance, meaning you will be wondering if they’re listening to your conversation and are they judging it? These things add to the pressure.

Coffee dates are too short and open-ended

Above all, you will probably finish your drinks in 20 minutes, and then what? You need to decide if you get another one, or leave and do something else, or end it there. What if you both decide something different? Another decision that adds pressure and can create an unhelpful atmosphere.

Coffee dates are too short and open-ended. This often means more decisions, more confusion, more pressure and less chance of getting to know someone.

No Meals (On Their Own) Either 

Now, this is the most controversial point I fear. Some may read this bit of advice and be angry and baffled by it. Having a meal on the first date is the oldest and safest dating rule surely? Well, not if your aim is to get to know someone.

Let me clarify, I think getting food and/after doing something else could be fine (Read Part 2 for more clarification on this). I also think that a meal can be good if you hit it off, but often meal dates lead to two unhelpful realities:

One, there is pressure to talk constantly and generate conversation. This can be awkward and make you feel like you need to force the conversation at points, which creates nervousness. This also leads to the second reality:

The need to impress often hinders the date.

People end up trying to impress too much. Sitting down, looking at each other with the pressure to talk, be funny, be interesting, and the rest, often means projecting a personality we think they would like. Not because we’re dishonest people, but the pressure to talk and be engaging can lead to falseness.

If the aim of dating is to get to know someone, to see if you enjoy each other’s company, and see if you want to keep getting to know them more (we can’t learn everything on a first date), then sitting down, looking at each other and chatting for hours creates pressure. The need to impress often hinders the date.

There are obviously exceptions to these bits of advice, but as a general rule, if you want your first date to thrive and be enjoyable, then no cinema, no coffee and no cutlery.

Now that we have the don’ts out of the way, we can look at the more fun bits and what we should do in the next post.

Have you ever followed or not followed this advice, what happened? 

Originally posted 31/10/2016