Many Christians believe that God has created one perfect person out there for ‘me’. So all we need to do is find them. But I think this idea isn’t ever mentioned or taught in the Bible. In addition, ‘The One’ myth undermines the chances of us building a healthy long-lasting relationship.
I deliver a lot of talks about dating, singleness, relationships and faith. I usually try to lead a Q & A when I can because it’s important that people feel like they can ask the questions that are important to them, and discuss this important area more.
Many questions come up, but there are a lot that usually get asked whenever I deliver a talk. One of these questions goes something like ‘Does God Bring Me the One?’.
I believe we make ‘The One’, rather than find ‘The One’
I always say that I believe we make ‘The One’, rather than find ‘The One’. I say this because I believe that ‘The One’ myth robs us of God’s intentions for our romantic relationships.
Hollywood Stories vs Biblical Stories
In films, in tv programs, and in books, we clearly see ‘The One’ myth being reinforced. Someone is single (or maybe even in another relationship) and they then meet someone who seems perfect. This person may seem wrong or unattainable at first, and there are some ‘nearly but no’ moments along the way. However, they end up together in the end.
They go off into the sunset and the story ends.
This story teaches us that ‘The One’ is out there, and when we find them they will make us happy. The problem is, this idea isn’t seen in the Bible, ever.
The problem is, this idea isn’t seen in the Bible, ever
Nowhere at any point, does the Bible say that God has designed one ‘perfect’ person for us. It doesn’t teach that one person will be the source of all our joy and self-worth either.
It talks about God having a plan, although that is more to do with his Kingdom being built and we’re invited into God’s story, but even when the plans are more individualistic, it never says that a perfect partner is waiting around the corner.
‘The One’ myth doesn’t come from the biblical authors, but rather Hollywood directors.
It Makes Relationships Weaker
If we believe in ‘The One’ myth, if we believe that one person will compliment us perfectly, then when a relationship gets hard or we have an argument, it can be interpreted as a sign that we need to end it.
After all ‘The One’ will be perfect, so any relationship difficulty means we aren’t with ‘The One’, right?
We know we aren’t perfect, but we expect to find someone who is perfect that will sort out all of our problems
But if you ask anyone in a long-term relationship, anyone who has been married for a long time, then they will say relationships take work. You need to negotiate through the hard times. You need to discuss and communicate problems.
Relationships take work. We know we aren’t perfect, but we expect to find someone who is perfect that will sort out all of our problems. ‘The One’ myth can make us think relationships are easy and like we don’t need to work on our relationships.
Making ‘The One’
I believe that God cares about our lives more than we know. I believe that he cares more about our relationships than we know. He wants to bless us. And I also think he is more concerned with us making ‘The One’.
I believe God wants us to be active (Read One Great Dating Tips From Ruth and Boaz. Really?). We’re meant to enjoy falling in love. But romantic relationships involve us learning to communicate, work through the hard times and build something together.
Making ‘The One’, and knowing how to date in a way that involves you getting to know the person in front of you (Read What Should We Do On A First Date?), and learning to grow together and enjoy it, isn’t about waiting around for a magic moment. It’s about getting involved and bringing God into the process and building something worth having.
Imagine if, we helped people around us put time and energy into learning how to build God-centred, mutually enjoyable romantic relationships. If we gave them the tools to make great dating decisions, instead of letting them worry about if they have missed ‘The One’, or if God has forgotten about them. Let’s ask each other, how can I/ can I help them make it work, and ‘make ‘The One’, rather than worrying about bumping into ‘The One’ in the future.
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Do you think making ‘The One’ is better than finding ‘The One’?